File photo of Laxman Sivaramakrishnan© X (Twitter)
Former Indian cricket team spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan found himself in the headlines recently after alleging that he faced ‘racism’ during his playing career. He recalled multiple incidents where he faced comments with racial overtones; one such incident even required legendary batter Sunil Gavaskar to pacify him. He was even labeled an “alcoholic” during his youth and later struggled with alcohol addiction and depression. Sivaramakrishnan posted a cryptic message on social media on Monday that read: “Cricket is not Life. It’s only a part of your life. Attaining Moksha is the Ultimate thing in life.” A fan asked the ex-India star, “Who hurt you?” and he replied, “Who didn’t???”
After his career ended in 1987, Sivaramakrishnan transitioned into commentary. He was a familiar voice in the IPL for several years, but the COVID-19 lockdown took a severe toll on his mental health.
“I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I couldn’t bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die.”
He admitted to becoming dependent on alcohol just to fall asleep. At times, suicidal thoughts crossed his mind.
“Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly.”
The mental strain was so severe that he began hallucinating.
“You close your eyes, you see images you can’t imagine-all very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes again, then open them, and there goes your sleep.”
Reflecting on his struggles, Sivaramakrishnan said: “Every time, you manage to tangle yourself tighter and tighter. And you have the whole world outside saying, ‘See, I told you. Liquor is the reason. I told you.'”